the good kind of maybe

my "like" letter to LA xo

The cross-country flight between JFK and LAX has some of the best people-watching. I’m rarely at the airport early enough to sit at the gate. So when I do miraculously make it there with time to spare, I play a mental guessing game to pass the time. Who’s based in which city, based on superficial details like sweatshirt brand, accessories, and general demeanor. (It’s a toss-up when someone looks like they could live in Williamsburg and Silverlake.)

The comparison of these two major cities (NY and LA) isn’t new to anyone living in either, and I doubt the comparison will ever end. As for me? I like LA, I really do. I’d even go as far to say that I love visiting LA, I would just never live there. And that’s pretty much what I tell anyone when the topic comes up.

Though I enjoy visiting, I’ve started to dread the journey it takes to get there. I’ve taken too many westbound flights to count in the last decade, and that five-hours-and-some flight time has really started to feel like a drag.

I can’t really nap during the daytime, so my version of napping on this flight is putting on noise-canceling headphones and closing my eyes for a few album cycles. I “nap” for an hour before I give up and resort to flipping through movie options. I’d never say no to rewatching La La Land, as cheesy as it sounds. It’s the only film that makes me starry eyed about SoCal. (City of stars…)

Every city has its own kind of magic. To me, the LA magic isn’t necessarily Hollywood, nor beach and palm trees. When I close my eyes and think of LA, I see this otherworldly Griffith sunset (air pollution be damned).

tresrenee

A post shared by @tresrenee

Time moves slower here, but it’s not exactly slow-paced unless you’re stuck on a freeway. Maybe that’s part of the magic? The extended daylight making each minute last a little bit longer.

Another way to describe my sentiments towards this city is I like LA, but I prefer who I am in NY. Because I can envision the version of myself that would choose LA over NY. There’s a lot to like about this alternate life—in theory.

I like the idea of a different yet robust food and music scene. I like the scientific benefits of sufficient Vitamin D. As I spend my Sunday morning outside a Pasadena coffee stand, I listen as a girl in line strikes up a conversation about another girl’s tattoos. They chat for about 10 minutes before exchanging names and laugh about how they didn’t do a proper introduction sooner. I like to believe such pleasant interactions are common due to the sunshine, not a rare occurrence of me paying attention to something other than my existence.

What else? I like Erewhon in the most unironic way. And I can picture myself taking morning meetings from Maru in the Arts District, joining midday pilates classes in Santa Monica. Picking up lunch from Mendocino Farms, going for drinks with girlfriends in WeHo. I’ve never been to the Hollywood Bowl or the Greek Theatre, but I’d surely be going to shows at both every weekend. Would I aspire to be an eastsider in a neighborhood like Echo Park or live somewhere less inland?

The things I don’t like about LA aren’t anything revolutionary. I heavily dislike compulsory driving to get to my destination. I’m unconvinced about the social scene and ability to form deep connections, or so that’s what I assume from stories that aren’t mine. But maybe I could get past all of that for a view like this, a sunrise over the Hollywood Hills:

sunrise at the LINE

I usually stay with family and friends, but wanted to experience something different this time around. So I booked a one-night hotel staycation, complete with a lobby bar nightcap and a quick Korean spa scrub nearby. I’s all lovely, of course, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just playing a part—like the magic is wasted on me. Surely this life was meant for someone else.

A college friend DMed me a few years ago and asked how I was sure about my move to NY, considering a move of her own to LA:

My response included something like “the environment makes me feel like my truest and fullest self and you can’t put a price on that!!”, which I still stand by. I can say that with confidence now that I’m well and settled, but I was so unsure about everything my first few years. Questioning if/when my time in the city had an expiration date.

Uncertainty to some degree is required when you’re trying to figure out what you like, be it food, clothes, relationships, or cities. How could you deeply know what you hate and what you love if you haven’t yet tried everything that’s in between? But sometimes it just clicks—no additional try-ons needed.

You could argue I’ve never given LA a proper chance, and it’s true. And I have nothing really against this alternate reality I could be living in, so maybe I’m wrong that I couldn’t love this city. I could surely try on a different life for a while. But just because I could doesn’t mean I want to or should. If the LA magic isn’t meant for me, it’s not in my interest to force it to. (And to be clear, if I move anytime in the next decade, Paris will always be my biggest will-she-won’t-she!)

I’m realizing I have way less desire these days for the maybes that cause me to question myself (see: modern dating app culture). The maybes that feel worth holding space for are the ones that create a tension of possibility. Like: maybe I’ll make a new friend at this party. Maybe having no set plans will invite the best moments of discovery. Maybe this cute airport stranger could be the love of my life! Possibility.

Yearning keeps us hanging onto maybes and ideas and dreams for longer than we probably intend. That’s the stuff that keeps life interesting, though. Maybes are fictional in essence—just concepts that live in our heads. And that’s probably what I do actually love about LA: it’s a daydream that I don’t need to actualize. That’s a top tier maybe.

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(P.S. the friend who DMed me ended up making the move! Love the life she’s building for herself there.)

IRL maybes I made a new friend from a 222 dinner last month, and also met some girls from that dinner thing last year. And scored an invite to the inimitable EV salon this week! Where are we meeting people outside of our orbit this summer that don’t involve joining a run club?

On repeat the Challengers soundtrack!! It makes any mundane task 10x more fun. Diving into Billie’s new album this weekend. And that’s that me espresso…

Overdue TTPD bulletpoints The tumblr-era lore is deep and I’m a child of divorce (Matty x Taylor). Devastating: loml, The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, The Black Dog. My go-to listens are probably Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me, Guilty as Sin?, and Clara Bow. <3

Last watched Challengers (POV: tennis is hot). Plane watches were Anyone But You (meh), Mean Girls (painful), and The Iron Claw (Zefron forever).

Still reading The Art of Gathering…it’s been a slow reading month. I wanted to give audiobooks a chance and tried 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, but it’s not going so well based on how many chapters I’ve had to rewind, so I’ll probably ditch and restart as an ebook. Visual learner! Here’s to trying things out to figure out what you love and hate…

As always, thank you for reading! Find me over on IG for day-to-day fun. x