Tomorrow is my birthday, and it’s supposed to be raining all day.
I don’t really mind the rain. It also feels right this year, as I’ll be upstate in a big house with good friends. September has always been my favorite month, as it marks the beginning of my favorite season and my birthday (though the former is probably because of the latter). It’s one of the few times I allow myself to indulge in high expectations. But dare I say that this September has finally fallen short?
I’ve spent all summer anticipating the first crisp morning of the season, yet I woke up and felt not much of a change. It’s like the stupor of late summer is still hovering over me – and now the last 28 days have passed by with what can only be described as normality. Frankly, the vibes of this oft-memorable month have felt dull, even though there have obviously been some highlights. Despite this unforeseen nonchalance I feel towards my birthday this year…the celebration will go on.
It’s been a few weeks of me floating around in this nonchalance, looking for any significant revelations to put me back on the ground and running. On paper, I know I’ve done a lot of things for myself this year that I shouldn’t feel this way – taking writing more seriously, booking trips I’ve been wanting to go on, exercising more regularly, yadda yadda. But I’m bad at celebrating my accomplishments. Instead, I find myself walking down to the promenade every week and wondering if I’m happy with where my life is headed, questioning what else I’m missing that might make it that much more fulfilling. (Just the usual existential feelings that arise with the impending birthday reminder that your life is short and sweet.)
Ending 28 on this note kind of makes it feel like a throwaway year. And as soon as I acknowledge this dissatisfaction, I also feel guilty for it temporarily overshadowing any general contentment I hold for my life. But this feeling isn’t unfamiliar – I’ve found myself here before, weighed down by this feeling of this is good, but I want more. Alas, the growth mindset haunts me no matter the age or circumstance.
I wonder if this birthday nonchalance is also coming from this year feeling more predictable than ever, a defeating shift into slowness people talk about in your late-20s. My body seems unable to relax, rejecting the slowness – like I’m just holding my breath for something to change. Coasting through the days waiting for someone to take my shoulders and shake myself awake. And as the month is coming to a close, I’m seeing how much of that predictability is because I’ve been operating within my comfort zone. Comfort isn’t a bad thing so long as it’s balanced with enthrallment, I think – at some point, I tired of seeking out challenges. And getting it wrong stopped being an option.
What I mean by getting it wrong is that I’ve never done things halfway, so lately I think I’ve had a hard time committing to things I can’t succeed at. Which often turns into not trying things I think I’ll be bad at because I want to excel and surpass whatever standard I’ve set for myself.
Anyway. I turn 29 on the 29th this year, which means it’s my golden birthday. (It’s once-in-a-lifetime, though so is every other birthday!) And as I enter the last year of my 20s, I’m thinking about what it means to live without a fear of aging but a self-designated pressure of making every year count. How do I get past that need of having something to show for it, like I need to justify living?
Maybe that’s why I like to do something different every year for my actual birthday celebration, usually whatever I feel inspired by at the time. Last year, an art-filled night at Happy Medium with pizza and a figure drawing session. The year before that, a week with the girls in Tulum (memorable, to say the least). Planning a party can seem high-effort or overwhelming to many, but I love birthday parties for a few reasons. The first is simple: I enjoy having all my favorite people in one room, and I rarely worry about the different people in my life getting along. Second, I want it to be something worth looking forward to, both for me and the people invited. (The stress of logistics and details is ultimately outweighed by the fun and creativity of ideating.) And lastly, I don’t want the only notable celebration in my life to be my wedding day. What better time than your birthday to honor the current version of yourself: who you are, who you’re becoming, who you have in your life, where you find yourself that year.
I suppose I like finding reasons to celebrate that can’t be replicated every year, even if the occasion is the same. And I appreciate the ritual of gathering for celebration, the act of taking pause – toasting to something we’ve decided is significant. I like birthdays and New Year’s Eve because they’re celebrations that feel simultaneously poignant and hopeful.
Despite all these expectations, I don’t really cry on my birthday. (Edit: I cried bc the car rental lady was mean today and I was stressed, but I digress!) I never feel like the end of an age is a true conclusion — it’s simply the passing between two states of me. And this year more than ever, I feel like I’m in this in-between, drawing a new line of where my complacency ends and contentment begins.
Even though I don’t know quite yet what change I’m seeking, I’m forcing myself to pause this weekend and celebrate turning 29. I can only guess at what’s coming up for me next year – and getting it wrong is probably on the table. Learning (over and over again) that I have nothing to lose or prove by simply trying. Remembering that figuring it out as I go has always been part of the fun. So a final ode to celebrating birthdays: no better occasion exists to give yourself credit for hoping and failing and trying and learning, year after year.
In spite of the rainy forecast ahead, I’m excited to spend a few days out of the city in a big house full of friends and good food. Taking some time to pause and exhale before whatever comes next. I’ll write again in October <3
Watching exclusively Hulu these days, apparently. Only Murders in the Building and the Great
Listening to GUTS on repeat (who isn’t?)
Yay happy birthday Renee! Cheers to 29 it’s gonna be a good one! 🥳